Bicester

It’s the new year, so the festive posts are over; that said, I haven’t had chance to go anywhere yet in 2019, except Leeds.  Luckily, I went somewhere last year that I still haven’t told you about.  And I couldn’t post this one around Christmas, because it’s not full of cheer.  It is, in fact, arguably rather Scrooge-ish.

Date of trip: Friday 23rd November 2018
Journey time: approx. 10 mins to Bicester Village station
Fare: £2.20 (Off-Peak, with 16–25 Railcard)

You probably know Bicester, but it’s most likely you’ve passed through—either on your way to Cambridge or similar via the X5, or on your way to London via Chiltern Railways.  If you followed my advice and went to High or West Wycombe (you did that, right?), you’ll have been through too.  It’s actually quite a significant settlement—the fourth-largest town in the county, and the largest I haven’t yet written about (the top three are Oxford, Banbury and Abingdon).  So what’s there?

I’m going to start with the town itself—which is actually quite nice, but there isn’t a huge amount there.  There’s a shopping street with ordinary shops (and an M&S Foodhall; this is Oxfordshire, after all), and a shopping centre with more ordinary shops.  There is quite a nice bookshop, which specialises, rather curiously, in signed books; they’ve just moved to larger premises, and they were, when I visited, about to open a “signed book gallery” upstairs.

I don’t have much else to say about the town.  I know there’s a nice Italian restaurant and a small bowling alley, because I once went on a date that involved both of those (because I’m cool).

Time, however, to mention the elephant in the room.  If you have been to Bicester, it’s probably because you were going to Bicester Village.  And, oh, I loathe Bicester Village.

Before I go on, I’d like to clarify that I have nothing against retail, or even shopping centres.  I enjoy going shopping, and I probably spend more in shops on things I don’t strictly need than is really good for me.  Again, to go back to previous posts, I’ve positively reviewed Coventry’s shopping precinct, and in Birmingham I tend to charge towards the Bullring, and in Manchester make a beeline for the Arndale.  Indeed, in my last going-somewhere post, I talked about a shopping centre in London, also an outlet centre, which I rather enjoyed browsing.  (I say all this in particular because I’ve recently worked a Christmas job in retail, and I don’t want you to think I’m a filthy hypocrite.)

But I dislike Bicester Village, firstly, because it is an outlet village, which to me implies “cheap”.  And it is not cheap.  Call it the politics of envy, but I go there and there is one store, a particular high-street shoe shop, at which I can afford to buy anything, and a shopping centre with effectively one shop is less of a centre and more of a, well, just a shop, to be honest.  This is because, while the items are marked down significantly from RRP, they are mostly by “designer” brands, so that, even when reduced, I still can’t afford anything.

Secondly, it’s crowded.  And, admittedly, as you may have noticed above, I visited on Black Friday, so you might have expected that.  But it was at the level where shops had formal, organised queues outside to enter.  With “estimated waiting time” signs, like you’d find at a theme park.  Maybe I missed the point, and the long queue to enter Gucci was in fact for the Gucci-sponsored Handbag Flume, in which you ride down rapids while trying not to damage the fine leather of your vessel.

Thirdly, it’s fake.  And, to clarify, before I get into the territory of defamation, I’m not referring to the products, which are genuine.  (Indeed, if you do happen to want something by Gucci, Bicester Village is almost certainly a better option than eBay.)  What I mean is that, architecturally, it’s supposed to look like a continental-style chalet village, of the type commonly found across Switzerland, say.  Except it’s in Oxfordshire.  Given that it attracts a lot of international tourists, I could get behind it a bit more, see, if they’d gone for Cotswold stone and thatched roofs, so it actually looked like a pastiche of a local village.  But no, apparently for that you want Kidlington.

There was one thing I thought I’d give a try, and it was disappointing, which was the Tate’s outpost in one of the vacant shop units.  It was disappointing, because… well, I’d hoped to write a scathing review of that as well, and to be honest it was rather good.  They had a VR experience, where you could look around Modigliani’s studio.  Again, I emphasise that I was entirely prepared to dismiss this as a gimmick.  But at one point some “papers” fluttered off the “table” next to me, blown by a “gust” of “wind”, and I instinctively reached down to pick them up; at that I point realised it was actually pretty captivating.  To say you have to pay for most VR things, and this one was free (and educational!), I really can’t complain.

That being said, I do find it strange that the Tate Bicester is advertised in Marylebone station, for tourists heading to Bicester Village.  After all, Marylebone station is in London.  Where there is the original Tate.  And also the “But Is It Art?” Tate Modern.  However impressive the VR, it seems weird that a tourist would be tempted away from London to visit what is mostly, by floor area, a museum shop.  (Even the bit where you can put “virtual paintings” on the walls seems primarily geared towards selling posters.)

Bicester Village does have affordable food places.  There is a Pret, for instance.  You can also buy artisan doughnuts if you fancy.  I did not.

So, sure, if you have money to burn on designer stuff that is, admittedly, cheaper than it was when you first bought it, knock yourself out.  Otherwise, Bicester’s a pretty normal town, and I’m not sure there’s a huge amount to recommend it as a place to escape to, when other, more interesting places are available.  But I’d still rather visit the town than the Village.