Well, I have found myself without anywhere to write about. I did go to Banbury yesterday, and, as you may remember, my last trip there was a fairly unmitigated disaster. I would tell you what I did this time, but unfortunately all I have to add is one more piece of advice.
- Do not travel to Banbury to visit an exhibition without checking the dates it’s on for. I made what I thought was the reasonable assumption that an exhibition being advertised on the Banbury Museum website was still on. Turns out it finished a week ago. So I just went to Wilko instead.
In lieu of a report on a nearby town, then, I thought I’d engage in one of my other favourite pastimes: trawling WikiHow for amusing advice. Keeping in with the theme of this blog, I’ve looked for advice for UK tourists.
Let’s start with how to interact with the locals when you’re travelling, from “How to Converse and Relate to British People”. As a British person, I struggle sometimes to relate to British people myself, so this may be useful.
“1. Assuming there is any sort of art or knack to conversing and relating to British people is setting yourself up for a fail.”
Oh. Well, that’s unfortunate. Guess that’s the end of that article, then.
“2.”
Never mind, there’s more.
“Learn a little about football. Not American football—but soccer, or rugby if you are going to Wales.”
I don’t even know where to start with this. Maybe here: I’m from Bradford, and not exactly into sport, but rugby seems to have a much bigger following than “soccer”. Also Wales has football teams, as far as I know.
“You don’t need to know a lot, perhaps just the most well-known clubs […]”
Yes, I tried this at school. Unfortunately, there’s only so far you can get in a conversation in which you claim to like Manchester United without knowing more than its name. Usually I’d give myself away as a fraud by claiming to like them because David Beckham played for them, long after he didn’t. (Then I’d claim my favourite band were the Kaiser Chiefs because S Club 7 weren’t cool enough.)
“Don’t talk about tea, scones etc. all day—it would be ultimate proof that you’re not British.”
Wait, I thought this was about relating to British people, not a guide to passing as British yourself. Do tourists do that, or is this mainly a guide for hapless spies? In any case, this advice is wrong—I had at least five different conversations yesterday about tea.
“It would be helpful if you could cook a foreign dish as well as British ones as your cooking is easily rated by how complex-sounding it is (as shown on the popular Channel 4 show ‘Come Dine With Me’).”
Also because, as every American knows, British food is all steak-and-kidney pie and jellied eels, and nobody wants that.
“[…] the British pride themselves on their rich history, which includes, but is not exclusively, the Monarchy.”
I mean, if our history were exclusively the Monarchy, they wouldn’t have anyone to rule over, and would be pretty pointless as monarchs.
“Don’t forget, some British people love Americans”
Yes, but not the ones following this advice.
Alright, so what do you do when you’re in the country? (Presumably, if you want to escape Oxford, you already are.) Let’s try “How to Visit the UK”.
“Northern England has the vintage charm of Manchester and Liverpool, while the south side of the country contains notable Oxford and Birmingham.”
The downside is that, for would-be Oxford escapees, it suggests you just stay where you are. The upside is that it doesn’t list Cambridge, which is as it should be.
“The English and Scottish pound sterling, with the exception of the Scottish £1, are accepted everywhere in the UK.”
Lol. I once got into a taxi in Shipley and had to dash into my house to get a Bank of England note for my taxi driver because he wouldn’t accept my Scottish £20 note, which was the only kind of note the cash point in Edinburgh would give me. (Before an angry Scot starts on at me: no, it’s not legal tender, and that’s not what legal tender means anyway.)
“Talk to the locals. Ask about local traditions to learn more about the history of the area.”
If you ask this question in High Wycombe, and you’re lucky, you might get told about chair arches. If you ask in Abingdon, and the person you speak to is friendly, they might describe their practice of bun-throwing. If you ask in Bradford, you’re likely to hear something rude back, and the closest thing we have to a tradition is that, as much as possible, we stay out of Bradford.
Finally, let’s look at “How to Enjoy Great Britain”, which apparently is different enough to merit its own article.
“For a great silly picture, stand next to a Beefeater in London and try to make the Beefeater laugh. They are not allowed to flinch, let along acknowledge your presence, so the photo can be quite entertaining.”
Or make you out to be a bit of a dick. One or t’other.
“The locals are the ‘real deal’ and if they thing you’re a good egg, they might just even let you into some local secrets”
Ah, yes, when I’m drunk in the pub in Shipley I tell people that the market clock is actually a rocket launching station, that flips down to open the hatch like in Thunderbirds.¹
“Be security conscious. Nothing ruins a good trip more than losing your stuff or having things stolen.”
And finally, this is actually good advice, but I’ve spent a good few minutes trying to work out how this smiling thief has managed to hold his hand like that without breaking his fingers.
Well, I don’t know about you, but I’ve certainly learned a lot. Next week I’ll have an actual travel report. Annoyingly, this will be from London again, almost certainly—but, hey, at least that means you can already prepare if you want to visit yourself.
Header image © WikiHow user Wikivisual, licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported licence.
¹ This isn’t true. I would never be so careless with my home town’s secrets.
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